Pearl Clutchers Society

Beginner’s Guide to Pearl Clutching

From “huh?” to “I’m shaking” in 3 days

New here? Don’t worry—you’ll be catastrophizing minor issues like a pro in no time. This guide walks you through the fundamentals of high-quality overreaction.

Level 1 · Noticing Potential Drama

Train your eye to spot outrage opportunities in the wild.

An app layout changed slightly.
Someone used an emoji you don’t fully understand.
A message didn’t get an immediate reply.

These are all fertile ground. Do not let them pass un-screenshot-ted.

Level 2 · Crafting the First Gasp

Your first reaction sets the tone.

Practice phrases like “Excuse me?” and “I… have no words.”
Use strategic ellipses: “Wow…” “Just… wow.”
Optional: send “lmao” but mean “I am not laughing.”

Level 3 · Deploying the Group Chat

No overreaction is complete without witnesses.

Drop a screenshot with no explanation.
Wait for at least one “omg WHAT” response.
Then say “Exactly. Thank you.” and unleash your thesis.

Sample Training Scenarios

Decide how clutchy you should be.

Scenario A: Friend likes your message but doesn’t reply.
Suggested Response “Cool, I guess that’s the end of the friendship.”
Scenario B: App icon changes color.
Suggested Response “They’ve completely lost their identity. I’m devastated.”
Scenario C: Someone says “we need to talk” and then goes offline.
Suggested Response Assume every worst-case scenario at once. Do not breathe.

Quick Self-Assessment

Score yourself on the questions below:

Do you read three different meanings into a single emoji?
Have you ever zoomed in on a screenshot to find new things to be annoyed by?
Do you ever think “this is fine” and then immediately think “actually, no it isn’t”?

0 “yes” answers: Pearl-Curious.
1–2 “yes” answers: Active Clutcher.
3+ “yes” answers: Please report to the Hall of Fame intake desk.

Bonus Level · Vaguebooking 101

Facebook is the natural habitat of the vaguebooker. Here’s how to thrive.

Step 1: Say nothing, imply everything.
Examples:
- “Today showed me people’s true colors.”
- “Some of y’all really proved me right.”
- “I’m not explaining myself anymore.” (you will)
Step 2: Encourage speculation.
When people comment “What happened??” respond with:
- “I’ll inbox you.”
- “If you have to ask, it’s not about you.”
- Or just react with the 😶‍🌫️ emoji.
Step 3: Add a moral lesson no one asked for.
End with something like:
- “Protect your peace.”
- “Energy doesn’t lie.”
- “Remember who was there when you had nothing.”

How to Express Outrage in Facebook Posts & Comments

For when a simple “ugh” isn’t enough and the entire timeline must be involved.

Outrage Post Templates

Template #1 · The Disappointed Essay
“I really didn’t want to have to post this, but after today… wow. Just wow. The lack of basic respect from people you thought you could trust is honestly wild. Do better. That’s all I’m going to say.”
Template #2 · The Morality Broadcast
“The way some of you move is actually embarrassing. No names needed, if this hits you, it’s probably for a reason. I’m done staying quiet.”
Template #3 · The Status Trilogy
Post 1: “Wow.”
Post 2 (10 minutes later): “The audacity.”
Post 3 (30 minutes later): “I said what I said.”

Comment Section Techniques

Quote-react method:
Reply to someone’s comment with:
- “‘It’s not that deep’ — and that’s exactly the problem.”
The multi-reply build-up:
Leave three short comments in a row:
- “No because…”
- “The way this is NOT okay.”
- “Like y’all don’t get it.”
Reaction warfare:
Strategically angry-react only certain comments so everyone wonders who you’re mad at.
Exit line:
After starting a 40-comment chain, leave with:
- “Anyway, I’m done arguing on the internet.” (you will return)

Reminder: This is satire. If you recognize yourself in any of this, we love you and your dramatic Facebook presence.

The Official Code of Overreaction

Version 1.1 · Now with Vaguebooking

The Code of Overreaction exists to ensure that all members of Pearl Clutchers International panic, gasp, and spiral with consistency and flair.

Article I · Assumptions

When in doubt, assume the worst possible intent.

All vague statements are secretly about you.
All jokes are serious and all serious things are jokes unless they offend you.
Clarification is strictly forbidden until at least three people are upset.

Article II · Escalation Protocol

Every minor issue must escalate through the following levels:

Level 1 – Hm. A small, judgmental exhale through the nose.
Level 2 – Wow. The sacred “wow… just wow.” typed or whispered.
Level 3 – I’m Shaking. Claim to be “literally shaking” (even if not).
Level 4 – Statement Time. Long post, screenshot evidence, dramatic line breaks.

Article III · Evidence Handling

In the spirit of maximum drama, evidence must be handled irresponsibly.

Screenshots must omit any context that makes the situation reasonable.
Zooming in and circling things in red is encouraged, even if nothing is there.
Private messages are considered “exhibits” once you’re mad enough.

Article IV · Tone Interpretation

Tone must always be assumed hostile, dismissive, or passive-aggressive.

“k” = war.
“ok” = cold and distant.
“okay!! 😄” = suspiciously cheerful, therefore fake.
No punctuation = furious. Too much punctuation = unhinged.

Article V · Forbidden Phrases

Members must avoid any phrase that might calm things down, including:

“Maybe it’s not that deep.”
“Let’s see what they meant.”
“We might be overreacting.”
“Do we need to post about this?”

Article VI · Acceptable Overreaction Targets

To keep the vibe fun and satirical, we specialize in harmless, everyday nonsense:

User interface changes no one else noticed.
Ambiguous emojis and punctuation choices.
Brunch-related scheduling conflicts.
Unlabeled social media opinions.

Article VII · Oath of the Clutcher

Upon joining, members recite the following in a mildly dramatic whisper:

“I solemnly swear to misinterpret, amplify, and perform. I will clutch my pearls, digital or physical, at every opportunity, and I will never let a minor inconvenience go un-dramatized.”

Article VIII · The Sacred Art of Vaguebooking

Vaguebooking is the time-honored tradition of posting about drama while revealing no useful details.

Posts must contain:
- At least one “Some people…”
- At least one “I’m just tired.”
- Zero names, but maximum suspicion.
Acceptable vaguebooking starter packs:
- “Can’t believe I had to find out this way.”
- “Funny how people switch up when it’s convenient.”
- “If you think this is about you… it probably is.”
When asked “Is everything okay?” you must respond with:
- “I’ll message you.” (and then never message)
- or “It’s fine, I’m just done.” (you are not done)

Article IX · Comment Section Conduct (Facebook Edition)

Outrage in Facebook comments must be performed as if the entire Supreme Court is watching.

Always begin with a disarming disclaimer such as:
- “No hate, but…”
- “Not trying to start drama, however…”
- “I’m just going to say this once…” (you will not)
Use paragraph breaks for maximum theatrical effect:
- Line 1: “Wow.”
- Line 2: (blank)
- Line 3: “Just… wow.”
Acceptable comment closers:
- “Do better.”
- “Let that sink in.”
- “I said what I said.”
For maximum chaos, reply to your own comment three times in a row with:
- “Edit: since people are confused…” (no one asked)
- “Edit 2: The fact that some of you are DMing me proves my point.”

Note: This code is non-binding, but highly clutchable. Use it responsibly… or don’t.

Hall of Fame

Honoring legendary overreactors

These are the illustrious members who have turned everyday situations into full-blown epics of indignation. May their gasps echo for generations.

The Caps Lock Crusader

Lifetime Achievement in Excessive Emphasis

Famous for the historic declaration: “I’M NOT YELLING, I’M JUST PASSIONATE.” Known to add at least three exclamation marks to every sentence. Minimum.

The Screenshot Scholar

Archivist of Out-of-Context Receipts

Maintains a 4,000-image camera roll of screenshots. Has never read a full thread, but has very strong opinions about all of them.

The Subtweet Oracle

Mystic of Vague Posting

Specializes in posts like “Some people really showed their true colors today” with zero names, maximum tension, and twelve concerned comments.

The Group Chat Prosecutor

Attorney at “Um, Actually”

Treats every disagreement like a high-profile case. Brings bullet points, timestamps, and “as previously stated” energy to casual chats.

The App Update Doomsayer

Prophet of Minor UI Changes

Has declared “this app is unusable now” after each of the last 14 updates. Still uses the app daily, but angrily.

The Emoji Analyst

Chief Investigator of Tiny Icons

Once produced a 3–page analysis on the difference between “👍” and “👌”. Has described “…” as “aggressively hostile punctuation.”

Nominate a Future Legend

Know someone who turns every “no worries” into a 30-minute debrief?

They must have at least one documented 50+ comment thread.
They must have uttered “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” unironically.
They must have threatened to “write a post” at least once.

Nominations are currently “lost in the inbox,” which feels on-brand.

Submit a Nomination

Use this highly official form to nominate someone for the Hall of Fame. No guarantee we will read it, but we will absolutely feel very important about having it.

Once submitted, your nominee will be archived in our extremely serious Hall of Fame inbox.*
(*By “archived” we mean “not actually sent anywhere.” This is theater.)

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